Planning a Midlife Crisis

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I’m trying to decide what’s left to do for the midlife crisis. Based on the experts, men are allowed to have a crisis from 40-60 and I need to fulfill their expectations before the clock runs out.

I have decided to turn to you, the blogging public, to flesh out the list of things that I should do and things that I should pass on doing. –And what is the difference between a mid-life crisis list and a bucket list? They look suspiciously similar.

Going down the list of things that I need to accomplish, I’ve found that so far-so good. Hot blonde girlfriend, sports car, vacations in exotic locations, interesting career path, etc. CHECK – been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. But is that all there is to it? I haven’t dyed my hair jet black or done anything absurd in that regard — is that all there is left?
I’ll run down the check list of things that I haven’t done and am unlikely to do. But if I don’t do them, will it indicate an unsuccessful midlife crisis? I’m very competitive and don’t like the idea of ‘losing’. The still to do list is short but I trust you’ll help me stretch it out at least until I hit 60.
Haven’t done:
  • Tattoo (I’ve never found some picture that I want etched on my hide for all time)
  • Bungee jump (I’ve jumped out of so many perfectly good airplanes and helicopters that it seems anti-climactic)
  • Buy out a vitamin store (To try and live longer — uh, no)
  • Shag a sheep – no interest there, or to hook up with Hillary Clinton, which is substantively the same thing.
Still to do:
  • Motorcycle. I was going to get another Yamaha V-Max but I’m moving hard in the direction of the Ducati Diavel. I’ve been riding bikes all my life so it doesn’t so much qualify as adding to the crisis as just buying another bike.
  • Climb Mt. Everest. Ok, though it’s on the list, I don’t think that I’ll get around to actually doing it. First off, I have no real draw to Nepal. I may settle on the Jungfrau or Eiger since I prefer Switzerland… And truth be told, I may just sit in a hot tub in a chalet, with a beverage in hand, a pretty woman sitting next to me and watch others climb the Eiger. Is my age telling on me?

32 thoughts on “Planning a Midlife Crisis

  1. Nah . . . not age . . . it's wisdom . . .

    I'm a bit is the same spot but a few years farther on. Looking for what to do for the next 20 years or so . . . I'm simply certain I am not the "retiring" kind. I fully support your hot tub, beverage, pretty woman approach. Sounds like a winner to me!

  2. Ride a snow mobile up Mt. Everest or streak naked through a gay bar.

  3. As for tats, do something manly like Harley-Davidson (most popular name brand tat) or Jack Daniels? But stay away from some things you may like… I have never seen a line at the tat parlor wanting Aqua-Velva tats on their skin. Perhaps a Trident on the upper arm. Penis enlargement or pump (the age thing)? Run with the bulls in Barcelona? Become an astronaut? Get married again (shudder). The world is open to you.

  4. Climbing the mountain (at this stage of life) doesn't sound like nearly as much fun as sitting in a hot tub with a pretty woman.

  5. Inking my skin has never been my thing. I know that an absence of tats makes me look old fashioned.

  6. I'm a bit surprised that "take over Island Kingdom with invincible drone fleet and rule it from a large fortress" wasn't on the list.

  7. You know that I'm creating a clone/drone army to create the first Galactic Empire. Modesty often keeps me from reminding people of the more grandiose plans.

  8. A virtue. My ambitions are a bit less exalted, for now, and simply aim at riding on Austin, and taking it over. You could/should come along as an "advisor."

  9. I've always wanted to be the Grand Visir. And I can bring a lot of mindless and willing drones to do my bidding.

  10. The rules that I've seen are clear that 60 ends the crisis. If you can't pull it off by then, you must live with normality.

  11. Do you qualify for a midlife crisis if you were already doing half the things anyway? I think the crises are reserved for people who were dull, then realized, "oh shit, time's running out," and then they go off the deep end.
    I think you were always off the deep end. πŸ™‚
    So, simply put: carry on!

  12. Why does it have to be a "crisis",
    why not a well planned "assault"
    on an awesome bucket list.

  13. On second thought, maybe your version of a mid-life crisis is, "Oh damn, life's too short for all this craziness. I'd better sit in a hot tub with a babe and calm down a hair." You have the luxury of the reverse approach.

    I also really like Brighid's framing.

  14. I think that the word "Crisis" gives impetus to completing the bucket list. Yeah, I've always been a bit off the deep end.

  15. I concur with this point of view, especially as it dovetails nicely with the ambition to rule the world, or at least a choice part of it (pick a piece with oil – which would provide easy finance for your other projects).

  16. Why make things so hard, LL? For God's sake, just grow a goatee or shave your head, or both, just like the rest of us mid-life crisis idiots. People will mistake you for Gene Hackman constantly, trust me on this one.

    Man, all that stuff on your list wears me out just reading it….

  17. You can behave like an irresponsible teenager, but past 60, they refer to it as senility – – sort of like Joe Biden.

  18. I've never played "Gene Hackman" on TV, but I'm willing to learn – and you're correct. The best place to start is a bar because the women there who are past a blood alcohol level of 2.5% are likely to believe that I'm Hackman, or Brad Pitt…

  19. I WAS BORN WITH A MID LIFE CRISIS. That's my new T-shirt.
    I believe that you should do the following:
    1: Anything that you are passionate about.
    2: Anything that piques your interest and is wildly intriguing.
    3: Things that push you out of your comfort zone and give you new experiences.
    4: Play. Play hard and be as naughty as possible without really hurting anyone.
    5: Travel. Always.

    And then you can write about all the above so I and others may indulge.

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