Happy Festivus

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Solstice is over and the witches have gone home to recuperate. They won’t be around for Festivus because they are usually blind for three days with a combination of alcohol poisoning and LSD flashbacks.
Hannukah is still going on…eight days of cheesy presents.

The December 23rd Festivus holiday celebration includes a Festivus dinner (usually spaghetti), an unadorned aluminum Festivus (stripper) pole, practices such as the airing of grievances and demonstrations of feats of strength. The presence of the stripper pole suggests that one could celebrate Festivus at a local ‘lounge’. 

If co-workers see you celebrating Festivus, they will think that you stripped your gears (again). 
Airing of grievances is an important part of all Festivus celebrations, but it’s better if you don’t do it in front of your loved ones or your boss. Better that you drink a few shots of your favorite and simply slam your friends (who you have dirt on…).
The last and most important part of the celebration of Festivus includes labeling easily explainable events as Festivus miracles. You may wish to cite your Festivus miracles below in the comments section.
I have heard negroes who celebrate Kwanzaa call Festivus a fake holiday. An elementary school principal in town told me the same thing. When you consider that Festivus is just about as old as Kwanzaa, I prefer to give both the same weight. If school kids are forced to celebrate Kwanzaa in elementary school, they should also be forced to celebrate Festivus and eat their fill of spaghetti and meatballs. I told that to the chubby, butchy, lesbian principal and was asked to leave the school assembly — but it was over anyway.

Some of you may wish to know how I plan to celebrate Festivus. I will take an unconventional approach this year and have lunch (Mexican food) with a buddy of mine who is working in downtown Santa Ana, CA at the Orange County District Attorney’s Office. We could have planned Italian food, but it’s Santa Ana – a city that is 85% Mexican. When in Mexico, do as the Mexicans, I always say (Feliz Navidad). I don’t think that there will be feats of strength, but we will air grievances as we usually do as we solve the problems of the world over a couple tacos, a little beans, rice and a diet coke.
Even though this is not an “official” sermonette, the discussion of celebrating a holiday may qualify as one. Or maybe not.  We eat the same food at the same restaurant just about once a month whether it’s Festivus or not.
I haven’t made plans to celebrate Kwanzaa yet, but I’ll let you know what sort of commemoration I have planned when I plan it. I looked for watermelons in the market because I was thinking of going to the desert and shooting them up. Alas, they are not available this time of year. Pumpkins just won’t do. Are markets deliberately withholding watermelon? Are the markets racist, denying holiday Kwanzaa food to people who want to observe it? Somebody call Sharpton & Jackson. 
I may riot. I could use a new TV to watch the Bowl Games on.

11 thoughts on “Happy Festivus

  1. Since you are a man of the Holidays it's only fitting that this be a Mexican Restaurant / Strip Bar. Then and only then will you be a man of the Festivus. It's only fitting that you air your differences over a clothless groin.

    May the "What-ever" shine upon you this Kwanzaa. No Watermelon?

  2. Question: you see two black children prying the hubcaps off of an Escalade parked in an iffy part of town, while a third black child on the sidewalk keeps a lookout for the cops. What are you seeing?

    Answer: a Kwanzaa nativity scene.

  3. That's very progressive of you. Please don't forget the Southern Poverty Law Center in your giving this year…

  4. That's touching and so on-point this year. May the spirit of the solstice be with you and yours. And may the Kwanzaa nativity scene not be played out in front of your home.

  5. OMG… some berserker has been sending strippers on poles (to her thirty Semper Fi sons) to ride on the dash of certain helos flying in a far sandy place for the all the wrong reasons it seems…

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