This blog posting won’t work without help from you all by way of commentary. This twitter post has been knocking around the Internet mainly because it’s a great idea. I snagged it from Daily Timewaster.

$50 is a fair price, but what would it cost to have her throw myself onto my coffin and wail? Would she be willing to wear a fetish nurse outfit (which would explain my lack of energy before I expired)? I’ve got a lot of dark and interesting secrets there may be others there who are unpaid… She’d need to stand out from the crowd if I would authorize a payment of $50. 
I always thought that one of those New Orleans funerals would be cool, with the brass band (locals playing a jazzed up durge), the twenty or thirty paid mourners, also black. Wailing about how the mazza be gone now. What de gonna do? The cortege would wind its way back and forth holding the coffin until out of sight, and they’d likely toss the coffin on a garbage heap.
Too many funerals are sad or boring. A wake isn’t a bad idea but most of my friends are aging and two shots of Tullamore Dew (long pour) would put them under the table. 

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30 COMMENTS

  2. Jeez LL we're only 7 days into 2019 and your planning your funeral? Can I have the Raptor? Seriously.. er not really.. $50 bucks is a steal at that price you should hire a whole bunch of folks start working on a script and make it interesting.

  3. A little more than a decade ago my dad died. We were sitting in the car ready to head to the graveside when a obviously distressed funeral director came over to the car. he said there had been an "accident" at the gravesite and that the service would need to be moved and that Dad would not be lowered into the ground. When we asked what type of accident would cause this he explained that between the time the grave was dug and that morning a skunk had gotten into the grave. Law enforcement was called and the skunk was dispatched, but not before he left his characteristic calling card.The chairs for the internment service had been hastilly reset a hundred yards upwind of the gravesite and Dad's remains were lowered into the ground at a later date. We still laugh about this incident and it was free!

  4. My best idea so far is to have my corpse skinned before cremation, and the skin preserved and filled with helium to be used as a festive balloon at the going-away party.

    With any luck, it would scar any little kids attending for life.

    -Kle.

    P.S. – maybe a pinata would be better?

  5. I'd really prefer Bushmill's and I believe I could get three or four down as long as I don't drink them too quickly. Some years ago I was sitting around knocking back a few whiskeys with some shooting buddies. I commented that when I checked out that they should hold a memorial shoot in my honor. A month or two later, they followed through on it. This was about 20 years ago. I was flattered to be memorialized before my demise.

  6. My instructions. No service. Remains to be cremated and placed in a thousand or so small packets to be distributed to car salespeople. They are to toss them on everyone saying, "We're JUST looking".

  7. You must be there. Wearing your emergency clown nose, dressed in black, with a black umbrella. Of all the people I know on the planet, you could carry it off.

  8. Steve, once you're past sixty, you're living on borrowed time. If I don't plan it, how do I know that they'll get it right?

  9. Actually, Jules, you ought to just show up at funerals in Nottingham, looking mysterious. Have Ellie take photos of people's reactions. Art philosophy at its finest.

  12. So they've already held your 'service'? Remind them that you have 9 lives and 8 more wakes should be forthcoming.

  14. I'm going to arrange for someone to send a single white rose, along with an anonymous card that simply reads "As promised". It would go well with the black umbrella in the distance.

  15. I see another use for the LCS. FUNERAL BARGE.

    Set the LCS ablaze, at a cost, and send it down the Potomac with the body of the warrior on his way to Valhalla. When the floating pyre eventually sinks you can charge people to dive on the wreck.

    Nice earner at both ends.

  16. Haha. You meant she should throw herself on your casket, right? Not your body?

    I vote for the New Orleans parade. With a crawfish boil to follow..

  17. I'll show up to your viewing and drive an ice pick through your hand to insure that you're dead (don't bleed, no reaction) if that would help with the drama.

  18. You need to have a coin for the tiller man (Charon) if you're going down the Styx. I wonder if I can pre-pay? Does Charon take plastic? Can I make payments? There could be a problem, you know. Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid that I'll take over.

  19. Jules can throw herself on my carcass. Or on the casket. I'll be dead and I'm not concerned. I would be angry if I missed the crawfish boil, with extra Tobasco to drizzle out over almost everything.

  20. Even hippies can dance- ever read about Gram Parsons desert cremation? Hilarious, especially the part where his manager and friend showed up in an old hearse and convinced the air cargo manager to release his body to them. Check the wiki, it really is funny, although a great loss to the country rock scene.

  21. Hell for fifty bucks I could though my naked body across your coffin and announce I'm having your baby.

  22. Hah. I accept. Use the ice pick to stake the card in place.

    When I was a young lad, we had a long serving county supervisor by the last name of Colburn. He was a bombastic personality, and a roaring drunk. As one might imagine, his name was scratched off more than one Christmas list.

    Later in life, I heard that he had passed away. As the story went, all the dearly beloved and mourners were seated at the funeral. Un-announced, one apparently previously aggrieved individual walked in and down the center isle to the open casket. He looked in and muttered "Yup. Yup. Sonofabitch is finally dead", then turned and walked out.

  23. Say, I wonder how much would LawDog charge show up in his pink gorilla outfit?
    thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com/2008/08/pink-gorilla-suit.html
    Wandering Neurons

  28. Anybody who sang with a group like the "Flying Burrito Brothers" should have an end like that. (funny story)

  29. Anon. Well here is hoping you don't exit anytime soon but here is a suggestion for some background music.
    youtube.com/watch?v=50k18gL76AU
    LONG BLACK VEIL by LEFTY FRIZZELL
    Maybe if you upped the ante Jules might do this also.

    I also think that your followers would pay some serious coin to keep ODIE and his naked body far far away.

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