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Tomorrow, begins the witch holiday (December 21-23) of the Winter Solstice. I don’t anticipate that my attempt at a sermonette will in any way offset the orgies or the conspicuous consumption of witches on this, their holy day. If you’ve been putting off shopping for your solstice supplies, you’re too late. It’s upon us.
As I understand it, the best places to buy solstice supplies are located in Austin, TX and Berkeley, CA because the concentration of witches coincides with the population of hippies. You can also buy supplies in Santa Barbara/Montecito, CA where the rich witch population (mostly Hollywood luminaries) are concentrated. It’s also the home of Oprah and Al Gore. It would seem to me that there must be a ton of witch supply stores in Washington DC because of the need to supply the Congressional delegations with stuff they need. Maybe they buy their cauldrons, eye of newt, tongue of toad, etc. on-line? Since I don’t move in the diplomatic community’s witch circles, it’s difficult for me to predict where they do their last minute shopping.
There are a lot of witches in Great Britain. It makes sense since that is the literary home of Harry Potter (wizard). I ran into some of them rutting in the woods when I was a serving officer in the US Military, assigned there. At first I thought that something had gone horribly wrong because they were covered in blood (turned out to be chicken blood). No, they were simply worshiping. Since I was just an invited guest in their country, I stood by while the SAS blokes I was with kicked a little ass and sent them on their way. I broke out my entrenching tool (shovel to you non-military types) and gave the unfortunate chickens a decent burial.
|If your neighbors have these on their “Holiday Tree”, they
are members of the local witch coven.
A witch told me that it’s also acceptable to dance under the stars in military BDU’s (because it makes you look like a tree). If you loan your BDU’s to a witch for the night, make sure to disinfect in addition to standard washing.
|Naked Witches at Burning Man
I know that you’re asking yourself where the witches in America congregate during the summer solstice. They go to Burning Man, a week-long event held at Black Rock, Nevada. It’s an extension of the wicker men that were burned by Celtic neopagans and witches, usually accompanied by a human sacrifice. Today they don’t sacrifice humans in Nevada — that I know of.
If you’re not a witch, it’s just another day to get ready for Christmas, and Kwanzaa (the voodoo holiday). Don’t forget that it’s right smack dab in the middle of the ‘eight crazy nights’ of your Hanukkah (Dec 16-24) celebration this year.
If you wish to share cherished memories of solstice celebrations past, you can do it here and I won’t delete them.
I’ll start –
December 21 sux because it the darkest day of the year and the shopping malls are crowded to the point of insanity. The shelves are picked over and I hate myself for waiting this long to go shopping.
However, tonight, I’m going to the California High School Open Division Championship Football game. It’s the Husky’s of Centennial HS in Corona, CA vs the Spartans of De La Salle Concord, CA. Naturally, I’m hoping for a Husky victory since I have family playing #98. De La Salle has a famous HS football team and there is a movie in the theaters about them. Rich kids of La Salle against the poor kids of Centennial.
Are there witches in the San Francisco Bay Area city of Concord? Does a bear crap in the woods? Does Obama golf? San Francisco witches — legions of them. It may give De La Salle an advantage. This is what the odds-makers (naturally witches) are predicting by reading tea leaves and snake entrails: De La Salle 35, Centennial 17
We shall see. Playing against Satan’s imps on Satan’s day (if you ask a witch, if you ask anyone else, it’s just a busy shopping day and it gets dark early).