I’m responding (sort of) to a blog post by Juliette, who reads some of my stuff here from time to time and comments. On her blog, she recounts how a stranger sent a bottle of wine to a table where she was seated with another lady. (Juliette is very pretty – don’t blush Jules – and lives in England) This led me to respond on her blog, and I thought that I’d share some fun bar behavior for the benefit of both men and ladies who drift by Virtual Mirage.
#1 I’m not a club sort of guy. Yes, I go to Las Vegas, but no, I don’t gamble. I go to restaurants and shows and stay in the five star hotels, which are reasonably priced. Most of them don’t have gambling (Trump, Four Seasons, Wynn). I can never be accused of being “Mr. Vegas”.
#2 I can be boring from the perspective of a “party animal” because I will definitely not be the guy doing the naked tap dance on the table with a lamp shade on his head. Thus I don’t go out and hit clubs very often. If I do, it’s usually because old friends from the SEAL Teams or other ex-something-somethings are in town and I want to show them a good time.
#3 I find clubs a bit boring, therefore to make them more interesting I play what I call, “club games”. There are a LOT of games going on in clubs – just go to one. I make it a point never to take home a person that I meet in a club because if they go home with me, an aging, white haired guy, they will go home with anyone – and will catch the diseases that anyone has.
#4 The usual philosophy of many guys is “avoid disappointment”, go ugly early. That is taken to mean that should you wish to go home with a lady, you’re better off finding somebody with impossibly low self esteem early in the evening. The underpinning logic is that you don’t have to spend a lot of money wooing them and it’s likely that they won’t be gaming you the way a person with high self esteem might. I fit in to the high self esteem crowd because I’m comfortable in my skin. Yes, I do play my little club games. Mostly harmless.
Women play club games too, but since guys are really stupid, their games are not as fun – and sometimes are a bit cruel. Women are very frustrated when you don’t respond to their games, and turn and stalk more appropriate and vulnerable prey.
This list of my guy club games and the list is not comprehensive:
* ATM Game – I have a rich friend who has a TON of money in the bank. Often to exceed US$3 million. He has it accessible in an ATM. I have him save his ATM receipts. If you are going to give somebody your phone number (and always give a fake one that belongs to somebody you don’t like who is married to a suspicious woman), you give it out on the ATM receipt. This is accomplished by fumbling in your wallet for a business card, and in the absence of one of those, pulling out an ATM receipt and writing down the number. The more shallow the woman, the more crazed she will be when the number is wrong, and the more ticked off the enemy will be – it’s two for one.
* Champagne Game – I prefer Dom Perignon, or a Shramsberg Reserve for this particular game. The booze must be expensive and I have to be really bored to do this, but I do. Send the bottle to a table with several women there, from “anonymous”. If you pop for the Dom, the place will have some sort of card for the note. Dive bars don’t stock Dom.
There are curious reactions from the women, and you need to be seated close enough to listen to them. The most narcissistic woman at the table will be certain that it’s intended for her. It’s common for about 20% to believe that they’re being stalked and they opine that the champagne is drugged. Another 20% will eventually stand up, leave the table and chat up attractive guys in the hopes that HE is the guy who sent the champagne.
If I’m in a wickedly cheap mood, I’ll have one of those rose peddlers that frequents bars send a single rose to a table with several women seated there with no instruction as to who it’s for. The seller (nice tip required) doesn’t recall specifically who the rose is intended for…
* Playing Doctor – I hate to share this but it works and I there are guys who I know who’ve stood off and witnessed this. On one occasion, after doing this, when walking into work, everybody got on the ground and “worshiped”. So it’s not exactly a secret operation.
I’m in my 50’s, usually very serious demeanor, usually dress well. I’ve been approached in clubs by women who have asked what I do for a living. If I’m not in the mood to play games, I tell them that I work for a company that makes chalk. (the reaction is priceless – they simply look at me as if I’m crazy and walk away) — or if I’m more playful, I explain that I’m a plastic surgeon visiting town on a medical convention. Because it’s reasonable to believe that I could be a plastic surgeon, it begins a dialog. Literally 50% of the women who hear the line AND have been drinking, arrange to show me “the girls” and ask me (a) my opinion of the work they had done; (b) my opinion of what work could be done. I never offer medical advice, but I do always provide VERY POSITIVE feedback and make them feel good about themselves.
In the most famous event of this little club game, I fired off the line in a restaurant near a river. The guy seated next to me (not a plastic surgeon either) was quick on the uptake and said that he was one too. Both from out of town, which wasn’t a lie. He owns a large oil company – richer than a plastic surgeon. There were guys from work present in the restaurant (witnesses) who didn’t know that I was bored and playing doctor. After I ate, I wandered down by the river where there was a dock. I sat off by myself, enjoying the warm summer night. The word got out that I was a plastic surgeon. Well over a dozen women walked up to me at my table, bared their breasts and asked for an opinion. The guys from work had no idea what had happened (they sat at a stag table that attracted no female interest), but they were all eyes.
Maybe I will share more of these little club games later.
ROTF, takin' notes over here boss… 🙂
We're obviously in the presence of genius . . . .
While tempted to try one or two of these my lovely wife knows the basics of firearm use and while he aim might be a bit "iffy" . . . I gotta sleep sometime.
Put quite a chuckle in my day!
It's effective — and I haven't yet shared the ultimate weapons in the arsenal. I don't know if the world is ready to have them made public.
You will note that NONE of them should offend your spouse. All are harmless. If women walk up to you and expose their breasts, it's not YOUR FAULT.
there are MORE? You must divulge! These are equal parts hilarious and terrifying… and you were concerned about meeting people off the internet! Clubs sound far more tricky at this point! I shall avoid both and stick to solstice celebrations.
Jenny, for these little jokes to be effective, people involved have to be incredibly shallow, maybe that includes the prankster too. There are some with nuclear level effectiveness (on some demographics). I think that you're better off wearing antlers and a bed sheet and dancing under the moonlight in Austin…?
🙂 well of course I don't actually do that, but it does sound like the least exhausting of the three scenarios.
Though I'm glad you have fun at the clubs when you go– sounds like you're making the most of it. This cracked me up: "It's common for about 20% to believe that they're being stalked and they opine that the champagne is drugged." ha!
Oh my, what a lovely compliment – *blushing* Thank you, that's two random acts of kindness in just one week!
So it seems I fall into the 20% that think they're being drugged except mine has essence of "will also be murdered or something equally as perilous" I'm so trusting.
Well, well, well. Some very interesting games there! The way people behave fascinates me. I wonder how many of those women would have got their "girls" out prior to the surgery? You must have been the envy of all your male friends and onlookers. I was going to say " I wonder what men really think when women just bare their tits without warning" but that's really a stupid question isn't it. I think their is only one thought, if any, going through the male mind at that time. It's how blokes are wired. I've often wondered what it would be like to be a man with a intelligent woman's mind. Probably very conflicting.
It seems so much more fun being a male. I hope that next time I come back as a sharp witted, filthy rich, ultra confident, arsehole of a bloke 🙂
I'd also be very interested in some more of these games. Just for analytical purposes of course!
The bubble has popped — you don't go to the solstice raves dressed in a toga? However, it seems to me that you're keeping your options open.
I wonder how many of those women would have got their "girls" out prior to the surgery?
Most of them had not been altered with plastic bags tucked under their flesh. The big question, and keep in mind that my experience is not a scientifically collected demographic, was "should I"? My suggestion was invariably that they should not and that they looked great as-is. Giving medical advice when you're merely an AMATEUR plastic surgeon is unethical.
You must have been the envy of all your male friends and onlookers.
Keep in mind that in the river scenario, I'd been sitting off by myself drinking Diet Coke and just enjoying the evening without others' annoying need to blather on — and a literal line of women came up, unbidden, for 'advice'. The guys couldn't figure it out. The other dynamic was that I was in my 40's at that time (an old man by their calculations) and the other work people were around ten years younger.
I've often wondered what it would be like to be a man with a intelligent woman's mind. Probably very conflicting.
The prettier the woman, likely the more insecure they are. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be true.
Again, for any of these club games to work, the people that they are directed against must be somewhat shallow and very insecure.
Just for analytical purposes of course!
That's really what is going on here. It's not about me trying to be cruel. More about me being bored with the standard game being played out in these places and deciding to up the ante and seize the initiative – sort of battle tactics and war by other means.
Guys are hard wired to be stupid where women are concerned. Women expect men to behave in predictable ways and for the most part, they are rewarded with that same predictable behavior. In order to play the game, you simply have to concede that yes, the lady is a man eater in her going-out clothing — but — your goal is not to "find love" but to examine cause and effect.
ha — no. I only wish I were that reckless.
There is a difference between a calculated risk and the sure thing that comes from associating with people such as the "solstice crowd". You end degenerating when in their company.
The champagne game is quite powerful but plastic surgeon is a definite winner.
These are amazing, and there are more! I would like to be setting in an out of the way corner, enjoying watching you work it.
I don't care for clubs or bars, but this would be worth the price of admission.
OK, this is the best thing I've read in a long time. Who knew you had a sense of humor tucked away in that massively lethal frame of yours?
Not a club guy? I thought you'd done some pretty fair work with a club, from time to time. Discounting golf.
blackjacks, nunchuks, etc.
The 245 Gonzales sap was one of the finest ever made in my opinion. I seriously don't understand how the general public finds them objectionable.
Plastic Surgeon is infinitely more fun.
As WoFat will attest, some of my professional life was spent in bars and clubs for one reason or another. While there (and bored) one must find a way to pass the time.
I have no sense of humor.
I think they must prefer getting shot.
Possibly. Flame thrower would hurt worse than gunshot too.
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