Practical Approaches to Zombie Problems

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1. Zombie-power
Combined with other measures, this is one solution to your zombie issues. Recognize that these are treadmills, stationed about the house. 
In a post-apocalyptic situation, the zombie-powered treadmills may be used to generate electricity. “Let the walkers walk” is the concept here and it makes perfect sense.
2. Remember the Rules

Yes there are rules
  • Don’t use the elevator in a zombie infested building.
  • Don’t leave machetes and baseball bats around where zombies might find them.
  • I don’t care if she used to be your girlfriend, or if he was your best friend, if they’re bitten or killed by zombies, the only way you’ll see them again is as zombies, save yourself the pain, and put a slug in their head now. 
  • The best refuge is a Costco that is located next to a Cabellas or Bass Pro Shop. You can live on the bounty of the Costco once you’ve cleared the place of zombies and raid the archery, firearms and ammunition supply at Cabellas or Bass Pro. 
  • Only allow attractive women to find refuge with you in ‘your’ Costco. You will need to rebuild the human race and you don’t want ugly kids growing up to be ugly adults. Sacrifice is called for here. With food in short supply, you will need to abandon the traditional 1:1 ratio of men to women if you plan to repopulate the planet with non-zombies. Men should experiment here with a 1:2+ ratio to find the ideal balance.

3. Don’t be a Hater

Zombies used to be your friends, neighbors and even your own family.  
The exception would of course be found if a high school aged normal girl ran onto a zombie who used to be a cheerleader who stole her boyfriend. Then it’s ok to hate. It goes for ex-spouses or annoying in-laws as well.
Ok, there are other circumstances. If your former boss is a zombie and he/she wasn’t fair with you, it’s ok to hate.
Politicians turned zombie (Nancy Pelosi comes to mind) are free game for hatred.
It’s fine to revenge yourself against current zombies who used to tick you off on a regular basis before the apocalypse. But the normal zombies have to be treated like every other zombie – bullet or arrow to the head, or use a machete to simply decapitate without prejudice, fear or favor.
4. Appropriate Pre-apocalyptic Behavior
While it’s perfectly normal and even advisable to stock up on Zombie tools now, it’s not “progressive” and if you do it in places like New York, Connecticut or California, you shouldn’t advertise it.  Remember the first rule of “fight club”? – You don’t talk about fight club.
So-called progressives are humans in the process of transforming into zombies, so you won’t have to worry about them for long. Soon, they’ll be walking around your house on treadmills, keeping your lights on. It’s fair play and payback for all of the money they drained from you in the name of social programs.

When you see Michael Moore, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz or Hanoi Jane Fonda pontificating on the television, simply smile in the sure knowledge that they’ve joined the ranks of the un-dead but simply don’t know it yet.

10 thoughts on “Practical Approaches to Zombie Problems

  1. We have a Cabelas across the street from a super Target so I guess that will have to do. Zombie transformation isn't a requirement for despising the people you named. Feel free to get a head start and beat the rush.

  2. Some zombies transform more (Moore) slowly than others. How do you know that Michael Moore didn't become the fat bastard that he is by eating human flesh in his basement?

  3. As to Moore, knowing one way or another to a certainty is impossible. Isn't speculation fun?

  4. I expect to see Moore show up at a Hollywood gala with redder eyes than usual, chewing on a hand or something.

  5. Who can say for sure? I don't know them personally, but why else would Feinstein be so anti-gun? Ask not for whom the bell tolls, right? If you're a zombie you are a default anti firearms person.

  6. Now you're thinking. And if not, there are always health clubs that can be raided for treadmills.

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