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Every day around supper time somebody comes around selling stuff. They are peddling solar – I point to the roof, at the panels up there and they say, “oh”.

Or it’s the Jay-Dubs flogging Watchtower magazines in the hopes of being one of the 144K that go to heaven — without ever considering that in the unlikely chance that I would join, I could bump them out of their slot.

Then there are negroes “working their way through college” who are selling subscriptions to magazines that never arrive.

Yesterday there was a new twist on an old theme. Muslims knocked on the door, pointing to a truck with “stolen goods” that they wanted to fence. Stereo equipment. Only it was just crap equipment, not stolen equipment. Trust me, the Muslims are just catching onto the gypsy trick that must have hooked a few of them over the years.

There must be a lot of mooches in my neighborhood to attract so many ‘Fuller Brush men’.

Believe it or not there are still gypsies running around. Authentic Romanian gypsies! I need the local police department to just park a marked unit in front of my home to ward off the more malicious of the panhandlers. (Is “panhandler” a politically correct word? I honestly don’t know. Or is bum more correct?) Maybe I should just buy an old Crown Vic, paint it black and normal* and put a disco light on top – and leave it out-front?

*Famous LAPD Chief Darryl Gates said that, “black people don’t choke out the same as normal people”, leading LAPD officers to refer to their marked cars as ‘black and normal’.


Then again, maybe the solution is to move to an old mine high in the mountains where people don’t know you are and not worry about a sign? A place where there is not a mosque-down-the-street.

They haven’t put up the towers for the muezzin to call the faithful to prayer five times daily, but I’m confident that they are in somewhere in the works.

Do the panhandlers/bums go to the mosque to push their wares? I really don’t know. There is a high fence around it and armed guards (protecting the arsenal no doubt) by the entrance to ward off the unshriven.

My son-in-law (police officer) was called to the mosque the other day to protect the sand monkeys as they were barking at the moon during Ramadan. I asked if there was a specific threat. He said that there was not but they wanted cops (on the outside) to augment their hired rag head security. I can’t believe that the city sent the police, but I’m sure that it’s all politically correct.

22 thoughts on “Door-to-Door

  1. Panhandler and bum are passe terms, LL. You have to get with the times. Most lowlifes prefer 'vagabond,' or better yet 'hobo.' When wishing the vagabond or hobo a good day after you have kicked them off your front door step along with their case of Fuller brushes, they would likely respond 'that's mighty normal of you.'

  2. Great sign. Sending you a tweed flat cap in the post for such visits. You'll know what to do.

  3. "My son-in-law (police officer) was called to the mosque the other day to protect the sand monkeys as they were barking at the moon during Ramadan." That shickled the tit out of me. Still laughing.

  4. In twenty years we've had about 2 visits from JW"s. The only other visitor is my very lovely UPS guy (love him!) It pays to live on a private road.

    As to the Fuller Brush guy? Back in the day, the Fuller guy was a much anticipated visitor to our house. Fuller products used to be exceptional. We had the same brush guy for years and years, just as we had the same milk man for years. I remember my mom placing her brush order a couple times a year. It was very serious business. I miss those days.

  5. A PEAKY F-ING BLINDERS CAP? Did you sew razor blades into the cap? Say that you did. Not that I can't.

  6. Yes, I recall those days as well, long gone. The peddlers who show up now are all on the grift.

  7. Aggressive panhandlers on the Denver 16th Street mall are called "Travelers" by the local media. Must irritate the real Travelers.

  8. Couple weekends ago in the afternoon someone rang the doorbell three times in rapid succession then pounded on the door. Thinking it might be some sort of emergency, I laid my book down and dashed to the door, to find a young Hispanic-looking guy in turquoise silk shirt and black slacks, in no obvious distress.
    MC: "Hello. Who are you, and what I can do for you?"
    YM: I need to talk to [the lady of the house].
    MC: About?
    YM: I'm here to see if she qualifies for Verizon cable. [brandishes a clipboard]
    MC: Sorry, we're not interested.
    YM: I need to hear that from her.
    MC: What? No. What you need is to leave now. Please get off my property.
    YM: Hey, man! I need to talk to …
    MC: She's taking a nap, not that it's any of your business. Please leave.
    YM: [bristling] You don't gotta …
    MC: Get off my porch. Go. Away.
    YM: … [backs off porch]
    Guess I'm officially an old fart now, though it would have been better if I'd told him to get off of my lawn.

    Gypsies: a friend had the misfortune to work in a hospital that for some reason was favored by (real Romani-type) Gypsies. If one was hospitalized, dozens would descend to visit, leaving a wake of theft and garbage. The theft wasn't just valuables, they'd steal all the coffee supplies, drinking straws, napkins, and plastic forks out of the staff break room, for example. They were universally hated, for obvious reasons.

    >my very lovely UPS guy (love him!)
    Lynn Jennings, multi-time US and world cross-country running champion, had a shoe sponsorship from Nike. They would deliver shoes to her home in New Hampshire. She was smitten by her handsome UPS guy so she dramatically increased her requests for new shoes to try/wear, and asked that they all be delivered UPS. It worked: she ended up marrying that handsome UPS guy.

  9. I like the FedEx and UPS delivery people. The rest (grifters, gypsies, lay-abouts, bums, and vagrants need to go to the neighbor's house, not mine. I have come to the door holding a tomahawk. That generally sends them down the street, though I don't always do that. As with the Muslim-next-door, one called the police and my son-in-law responded to take his complaint.

    Son-in-law advised the grifter that he call the ambulance BEFORE he knocks on my door next time and left it at that. The grifter then called the watch commander (dissatisfied with the service that my son-in-law gave) and the WC (a buddy of mine) told him that he was lucky to get off my porch with his life.

    Good to have friends.

  10. We're really proud of it. It shows the world how inclusive and non-Islamophobic we are toward the Religion of Peace.

  11. I asked him. The PD didn't bill them and it wasn't on OT. Just a favor to the Religion of Peace, who needs to keep the arsenal under the mosque safe for when it's needed – for peace.

  12. What a shame…they could have at least recovered a little bit of the cost of keeping the Holy House of the religion of Peace safe from infidels!

  13. Al-roight, then. I expect the perfect, black country slang coming from your mouth in about 6 weeks!

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