A Tale of Two Tampons (Sermonette)

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As best I recall, residents of Tampa, Florida are called tampons… aren’t they?

Do homeless lives matter? I’m sure that many of this blog’s readers are torn on the topic — but it’s the subject of this Sunday Sermonette.
(TAMPA, FL) A man and woman escaped injury this morning after they were dropped into the back of a sanitation truck while sleeping in a dumpster in Tampa. 
Hillsborough County deputies say Donald L. Jordan, 37, and Lisa Sirbella, 49, likely became intoxicated at the Seminole Hard Rock & Casino before falling asleep in the dumpster at the WaWa store at Orient Road and Hillsborough Avenue around 5 a.m. Jordan told deputies that the pair was visiting Tampa from Kissimmee. 
Radmas Valasquez, the driver of the Progressive Waste Solutions truck, emptied the dumpster into his truck then discovered the pair after hearing yelling and banging from the back end of his truck while on his route, deputies say. After he was unable to get them out, deputies say law enforcement and EMS crews responded and removed them from the truck. 
The sheriff’s office says Jordan smelled of alcohol, was slurring his speech and was acting aggressive when deputies approached him. 
The pickup was one of Valasquez’s first stops of the day, so there wasn’t much trash in the truck at the time of the incident, deputies said. 
Jordan and Sirbella were transported to Tampa General Hospital after complaining of back pain, deputies said.
Though it can’t be proved definitively (because nobody either cares or takes headcounts, one of the major causes of death in the hard core homeless community comes to people who live in dumpsters and are dumped and compacted in the normal course of business. In cold weather they tend to burrow down under the garbage like a ‘Trenton Tick’ (I’m not picking on your homies, Race Bannon – that’s what the dumpster dwellers are called in the progressive paradise that is Trenton, New Jersey).
And now to my point. Progressives need to take up the chant “HOMELESS LIVES MATTER” and they should set up some sort of volunteer corps to check each dumpster in America the evening before trash pick up. If Michelle Obama wanted to show what she’s made of, she and her kids (flanked by an army of Secret Service Agents) could go through a thousand dumpsters each night in the DC metro area ahead of the trash trucks — just trying to find a job that she can do since she isn’t fond of being first lady and going on lavish vacations all the time.

First lady Michelle Obama responds with enthusiasm
to her new “I can’t breathe” campaign…

The Secret Service could handle the homeless de-lousing mission once Michelle found somebody to save. Since the Service’s selection process these days has shied away from the tradition uber professional protective service to accommodate certain minority hiring practices on the president’s and first lady’s details, its a mission that I think that they could pull off.

The Secret Service could also spray Lysol on the recovered homeless so that Michelle saying “I can’t breathe” will be interpreted correctly. Some of the pissy, maggot covered winos who are somewhere beyond ripe have lives that matter too and need to be embraced and returned to live useful lives. Michelle Obama is the perfect choice to make that happen.

15 thoughts on “A Tale of Two Tampons (Sermonette)

  1. Shows what you know, LL. You are dismissing a lifestyle choice as something to be helped, aided, lifted up. As anyone who has tried any of that, they can attest that these folks live in dumpsters not because they have to, but because they want to, and will fight you tooth and nail when you attempt to place them under their biggest nightmare: 'a roof.'.

    And part of that lifestyle is the stench, uh, er, I mean fragrance choices of the participants. What you call 'pissy, maggot covered winos who are somewhere beyond ripe" are in fact proudly wearing the latest Calvin Klein fragrance 'Eau de Vagrant'….

  2. I just thought that Michelle could have removed these citizens from their bunks before they were crushed. I may be over-thinking the problem. Unless she does something like this, Michelle's legacy as First Lady will be that of a shrewish fish-wife, parasitically living at public expense, lavishly.

  3. Perhaps large (cardboard or wood?) signs could be handed out to the homeless, to hand over the side of an occupied dumpster. "Homeless Here – Please Knock") or some other warning, so they could be warned that they're about to be dumped.

  4. But what about drunk homeless? I think that the progressives like Barbara Walters, Whoopie Goldberg, Michelle Obama, Rosie O'Donnell, etc. should go from dumpster to dumpster as part of their duty to humanity. They can take George Clooney with them in tow if they want to.

  5. Ah, I get it. Your focus is on the worst first lady ever. No hope for her, I'm afraid. Her and Imelda Marcos, cut out of the same bolt of cloth. They love the trappings of the office, and assume that with these trappings comes power.

    Worst first lady, ever. Not even arguable.

    I prefer talking about the vagrants way more than giving Michelle Obama any more of my time.

  6. Progressives actually DO something? What are you smoking??? They'll sit in their air conditioned 'fragranced (probably expensive fragrance) offices and bemoan another 'needless' death. That will be ALL they will do!

  7. Thanks for the homily. I especially enjoyed the bit about Michelle Obama, doing her "bit." But I tend to avoid Florida!

  8. This is an outrage. If these citizens want to sleep in dumpsters, our government should be providing them all with dumpsters specifically designated for intoxicated slumber, where they are not at risk of being compacted on trash day. Surely this would be considered basic "preventative care" under socialist obamacare?

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