It’s time for me to make New Year’s resolutions the same
way that people make Las Vegas wedding vows – which
are half-assed promises made by drunken idiots.
Have fun on New Year’s Eve and when you’re deeply into your cups tonight and you see the best looking woman/man that you’ve ever seen, remember the difference between love and herpes…herpes lasts forever. And when you’re at the karaoke machine singing, remember that if men could sing songs that made women love them, Bill Cosby wouldn’t have had to put rohypnal in the wine.
Now for my resolutions for 2015:
1. Study the Kama Sutra. Yes, of course I come by it naturally, I’m a Navy man. But study and practice makes perfect. Now all I need do is buy the book and find a tutor.
2. Finish a chap-stick. There’s a back story to this. I only use them when I’m at high altitude, which means that I use them on off-road trips in the Rocky Mountains and then they end up sitting in my truck, which heats up in the summer and melts them sideways in the tube, and ruins them. If I finish a chap-stick, that means that I’m where I need to be rather than in the flat lands with the inner city people.
3. Throw away fortune cookie messages. I have a habit of putting them into my pocket and then reading them again later when I empty my pocket. I need to leave them at the Chinese restaurant. I don’t need the affirmation, and they don’t come true anyway. Blogger Race Bannon claims that they’re not even printed in China – which is disappointing beyond all rationality.
4. Don’t be accepting.
With the assault on all that’s good and decent, I need to keep up the fight against that which society finds correct like homosexual marriage, the ‘nobility’ of inner city thugs, NSA domestic surveillance, legalized narcotics and all things Kardashian/Beverly Hills Housewives.
5. Spend less time interacting with real people and find the time to join instagram and all of the social networking sites that I now ignore.
6. Be less perfect. Perfection, combined with my sublime humility, annoys people around me. I need to work on that.
7. Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it impossible for North Koreans to hack my computer.
8. Only go to Costco when they are serving the really good free samples
. Yes, it’s the prime component of a bachelor’s eating lifestyle. Figuring out the sample schedule even if it means
co-opting key Costco employees by discovering personal matters that they’d rather keep hidden — and having them call me when the good stuff is going onto the sales floor to keep personal matters personal.
9. Always finish what I
10. Eat bacon once a day.
Go buy some firearms and ammo – and practice with them.